February 1974: I don’t like spiders and snakes

In its February 1974 issue, The Monster Times (yeah, that was the name of the publication, and it was a good read even if sometimes embarrassing to bring up to the counter) published a list of “The World’s 50 Worst Monster Movies,” “monster” being an umbrella term covering science fiction, horror and fantasy – sometimes it’s just easier to call them all monster movies. And it’s not as snooty as calling them genre movies.

The list mostly offers up the black and white flicks you’d catch back then on Chiller Theatre on Saturday night or on a Sunday afternoon, and their titles are a roll call of B movie greatness. Plan Nine from Outer Space. Bride of the Monster. Attack of the Killer Shrews. The Navy vs. the Night Monsters. The Horror of Party Beach. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (which The Monster Times claims as “absolutely the worst sci-fi flick ever made, bar none”).

Today, how many of the original 50 would make a current list of the worst? In a world where Battlefield Earth, Waterworld, and Batman and Robin will stream into eternity and the Wikipedia page for the cheesy original movies produced by the SyFi Channel lists more than 400 (a total probably eclipsed by the Hallmark Channel’s original Christmas flicks, another kind of horror), how bad is Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, even if its star is James Karen, known throughout the East Coast as the “Pathmark guy”? Would you rather watch John Carradine in a Dracula cape give a hammy, but credible performance or Will Smith wandering through yet another CGI post-apocalyptic wasteland?

John Carradine in Billy the Kid vs. Dracula

Since 1974, Tim Burton’s Ed Wood movie, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, the Golden Turkey Awards and Captain USA’s Groovie Movies have all done their part in giving The Monster Times 50 a safe – if always with varying degrees of dry irony – haven. Today, most of these films are seen as quaint labors of love, a geek’s vision filmed in a basement or a public park (usually without a permit) with an amateur cast and a special effects budget limited to what can be bought at a local hardware store. In 1974, nobody would have used a word like oeuvre to describe William (Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla) Beaudine’s work. Today, there are books about him.

Yes, you can see the zipper on the back of the monster in Horror of Party Beach, the wires suspending the flying saucer tin plates in Plan Nine and that the giant grasshoppers “attacking” the Sears Tower in Chicago in the Beginning of the End are normal-sized grasshoppers climbing over a postcard, but they were all entertaining, unforgettable and sincere.

The top ten songs for February 1974 aren’t the worst, but at the same time nothing to treasure.

LOVE’S THEME –•– The Love Unlimited Orchestra

THE WAY WE WERE –•– Barbra Streisand

YOU’RE SIXTEEN –•– Ringo Starr

UNTIL YOU COME BACK TO ME –•– Aretha Franklin

AMERICANS –•– Byron MacGregor

SPIDERS & SNAKES –•– Jim Stafford

LET ME BE THERE –•– Olivia Newton-John

BOOGIE DOWN –•– Eddie Kendricks

SHOW AND TELL –•– Al Wilson

I’VE GOT TO USE MY IMAGINATION –•– Gladys Knight and the Pips

Motown seemed to have no idea how to use Gladys Knight and the Pips. Their version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” preceded Marvin Gaye’s by a year and its unrestrained wildness made it totally unlike most of Motown’s polished productions. After signing with Buddah, they had their biggest hit with “Midnight Train to Georgia”; “I’ve Got to Use My Imagination” was the follow up. In the aftermath of the Vietnam debacle and with Watergate storm clouds bearing down, “Americans” was a hug and a hair-mussing recitation by Canadian broadcast Byron MacGregor, listing how great a neighbor/big brother the U.S. was to the rest of the world. “Spiders and Snakes” by Jim Stafford, the future Mr. Bobbie Gentry, was a memorable novelty.

Debuting on the Billboard Hot 100 this month were three cash-ins based on the news: “Energy Crisis ‘74” by Dickie Goodman, “Get That Gasoline Blues” by NRBQ and “The Crude Oil Blues” by Jerry Reed. Also new to the Hot 100, “Midnight on the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur isn’t about the oil crisis, maybe more about distracting some horny sheikh while others make off with the oil.

 

 

Skipped the light fandango 

OK boomer, time to put down the Arts & Entertainment section and take another glance at the obituaries. 

Gary Brooker, a co-founder and lead singer of Procol Harum, died this week. He sang and co-wrote the baroque and stately “A Whiter Shade of Pale,” a song that helped, along with the Sgt. Pepper album, define the music of the Summer of 1967. It’s also one of a handful of pop songs so out of leftfield that even now, more than 50 years later, they remain stunning listens (see also Good Vibrations, Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag, Like A Rolling Stone). 

We took an immediate liking to “A Whiter Shade of Pale” when WABC began playing it that July and rooted for it each Tuesday afternoon when the station introduced its new weekly Top 20. It rose as high as #2 the week of August 8, blocked from the top spot by “Light My Fire.” How did two songs based around a keyboard sound grounded somewhat in the music of Bach occupy the top two places in a popular music survey? (A sound that also found its way in 1986 to Crowded House’s “Don’t Dream It’s Over”). 

The enigmatic lyrics could be viewed as hip Cliff Notes to Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales with its “vestal virgins” and “the miller,” but to take a more down-to-earth perspective, it could have also recounted a night of epic drinking down at the pub, falling into bed with the puke-inducing spins (“the room was humming harder, as the ceiling flew away”). 

Procol Harum favored a dual keyboard set-up, with Brooker on piano and Matthew Fisher playing organ. Brooker’s piano drove one of their FM standbys, “Simple Sister,” with a bridge “borrowed” from the Capitol’s “Cool Jerk,” a reminder that while the band was a pioneer of progressive rock, it always had a strong R&B feel. Otis Redding never got the chance to cover “A Whiter Shade of Pale,” but it would have been interesting. (Considering how Otis messed up the lyrics of “Satisfaction” and “Day Tripper” when he sang them, “A White Shade of Pale” wouldn’t have stood a chance). 

Brooker’s obits are mostly about “A White Shade of Pale,” but he also wrote and sang “Conquistador,” one of the ten greatest progressive rock tracks ever, and the epic, evocative “A Salty Dog”. He played on George Harrison’s “All Things Must Pass” album, toured with Ringo Starr and had a bit role in the “Evita” movie. Who knew?

 

The Perfect Day: February 4, 1977

It’s a Friday and two inches of snow have fallen overnight. The day's temperature will hold steady between 31° and 32° until mid-afternoon when Arctic air moves in; by midnight the temperature drops to 10°. But it’s okay, because we’re at home for the next 24 hours with nothing to do but watch television.

6:30 – 8:00 AM: We’re stuck on Channel 11: Felix the Cat, the Little Rascals and the barely-tolerable-but-we-can-sit-through-it Banana Splits.

8:00 AM: According to TV Guide, Dick Shawn joins Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Green Jeans on a safari. Shawn’s crazed mama’s boy in It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World and Hitler/hippie Lorenzo St. DuBois (aka LSD) in The Producers were highlights of those movies, so this seems worth catching, although Shawn should probably speak with his agent. 

9:00 AM: The inevitable run of mid-morning game shows: To Tell the Truth, Concentration (it reruns on the Game Show Network today as “Classic Concentration” – who knew it was classic?), The Price Is Right and Hollywood Squares, featuring Earl Holliman, Karen Valentine, John Byner, Isabel Sanford and Paul Williams – giants walked the Earth back then.

11:00 – 1:30 PM: A run of weirdness. A game show called Shoot for the Stars (with the star-crossed Debralee Scott), a variety-show half hour hosted by Don Ho, then Phil Donahue, whose guest is the catty Mr. Blackwell, unveiling his Worst Dressed Women of 1976 list. 

1:30 – 2:30 PM: It’s the long-running Midday on Channel 5 with lantern-jawed, but likeable Bill Boggs. He doesn’t seem to do much TV anymore and he’s listed online nowadays as a motivational speaker, but Boggs was synonymous with New York City afternoon television for decades.

2:30 PM: Tough decision between Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoons on Channel 5 and Bozo the Clown on Channel 11, but only if its the live Bozo program. I think it's likely going to be the lame cartoon, so Casper gets the nod.

3:00 PM: Another hour of old cartoons.

4:00 PM: Put on a comfy sweater, it’s time for Dinah! (Remember the exclamation point). 

Dinah! 

Unfortunately, this isn’t the episode with David Bowie and Iggy Pop, that'll come later April. Today it’s some sort of theme show, with Carroll O’Connor and wife, Bill Bixby and wife, and Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis.

5:00 PM: An easy downshift from low-key Dinah to the catatonic Mike Douglas, with guests Dr. Buzzard’s Original Savannah Band, no doubt performing a medley of their hit, Cherchez La Femme.

6:00 PM: Time to adjust the antenna so we can pick up Channel 68 and watch Uncle Floyd with hopefully only a minimum of what used to be known as “snow” on the screen. Strictly through word of mouth and the occasional newspaper article, the show is starting to pick up viewers; in another year or two it will become a minor miracle of hip pre-Internet entertainment.

6:30 PM: Since the rabbit ears are working well, we’ll keep it on Channel 68 for a rerun of the long-forgotten Peyton Place. Will it be Mia Farrow with long hair or her pixie cut?

7:00 PM: Bowling for Dollars on Channel 9. A couple of times a year there was always the cousin of a friend of a friend competing on Bowling for Dollars, being cheered on by other friends of friends. Filmed at a bowling alley somewhere in the bowels of Madison Square Garden and hosted by Larry Kenney, who went on to make a living doing voice work on cartoons. 

7:30 PM: We’ll leave Name That Tune on Channel 4 and try to play along.

8:00 PM: 1977 is right square in the middle of network television's Tarnished Age of Lame Variety Shows and tonight we watch Exhibit A: the unbearable Donny & Marie. While we await the weekly “I’m a little bit country, he’s a little bit rock & roll” medley, we’ll sit through, according to TV Guide, a Charlie’s Angels spoof, guest Milton Berle as an anxious stage mother (allowing him to reprise his eternally unfunny drag bit) and “a musical salute to Hawaii.”

9:00 PM: Rust never sleeps and the Tarnished Age continues with Sonny & Cher, whose guests include Ruth Buzzi, Barbi Benton and William Conrad. Expect plenty of fat jokes when the hefty Conrad is on camera, and some excuse to get Benton and Buzzi onscreen together to compare looks. I’m sure this travesty was clobbered in the ratings tonight by the competition on ABC, the latest installment of Roots.

10:00 PM: I don’t remember a Serpico series, but it’s on tonight, starring David Birney wearing Al Pacino's shaggy hair and beard look in the movie.

11:00 PM: Back to the rabbit ears and Lucha Libre on Channel 47. The world is a poorer place without Spanish-language wrestling and guys wearing masks in the ring.

12:00 AM: We’ll have to settle for the last hour of The Tonight Show – even if the guest host is McLean Stevenson.

1 AM: It’s a Friday night in 1977 and when you get home from hanging out, there’s only The Midnight Special to keep you company. The show is kind of like listening to AM radio around the same time: a couple of jewels here and there, but mostly wading through acres of knee-high mud. Helen Reddy is hosting tonight's “best of” fourth anniversary show, so while there’s David Bowie and Linda Ronstadt, there’s also Neil Sedaka, the Captain & Tennille, the Bee Gees and Ms. Reddy herself. That’s a lot of mud.