February 1974: I don’t like spiders and snakes

In its February 1974 issue, The Monster Times (yeah, that was the name of the publication, and it was a good read even if sometimes embarrassing to bring up to the counter) published a list of “The World’s 50 Worst Monster Movies,” “monster” being an umbrella term covering science fiction, horror and fantasy – sometimes it’s just easier to call them all monster movies. And it’s not as snooty as calling them genre movies.

The list mostly offers up the black and white flicks you’d catch back then on Chiller Theatre on Saturday night or on a Sunday afternoon, and their titles are a roll call of B movie greatness. Plan Nine from Outer Space. Bride of the Monster. Attack of the Killer Shrews. The Navy vs. the Night Monsters. The Horror of Party Beach. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (which The Monster Times claims as “absolutely the worst sci-fi flick ever made, bar none”).

Today, how many of the original 50 would make a current list of the worst? In a world where Battlefield Earth, Waterworld, and Batman and Robin will stream into eternity and the Wikipedia page for the cheesy original movies produced by the SyFi Channel lists more than 400 (a total probably eclipsed by the Hallmark Channel’s original Christmas flicks, another kind of horror), how bad is Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, even if its star is James Karen, known throughout the East Coast as the “Pathmark guy”? Would you rather watch John Carradine in a Dracula cape give a hammy, but credible performance or Will Smith wandering through yet another CGI post-apocalyptic wasteland?

John Carradine in Billy the Kid vs. Dracula

Since 1974, Tim Burton’s Ed Wood movie, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, the Golden Turkey Awards and Captain USA’s Groovie Movies have all done their part in giving The Monster Times 50 a safe – if always with varying degrees of dry irony – haven. Today, most of these films are seen as quaint labors of love, a geek’s vision filmed in a basement or a public park (usually without a permit) with an amateur cast and a special effects budget limited to what can be bought at a local hardware store. In 1974, nobody would have used a word like oeuvre to describe William (Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla) Beaudine’s work. Today, there are books about him.

Yes, you can see the zipper on the back of the monster in Horror of Party Beach, the wires suspending the flying saucer tin plates in Plan Nine and that the giant grasshoppers “attacking” the Sears Tower in Chicago in the Beginning of the End are normal-sized grasshoppers climbing over a postcard, but they were all entertaining, unforgettable and sincere.

The top ten songs for February 1974 aren’t the worst, but at the same time nothing to treasure.

LOVE’S THEME –•– The Love Unlimited Orchestra

THE WAY WE WERE –•– Barbra Streisand

YOU’RE SIXTEEN –•– Ringo Starr

UNTIL YOU COME BACK TO ME –•– Aretha Franklin

AMERICANS –•– Byron MacGregor

SPIDERS & SNAKES –•– Jim Stafford

LET ME BE THERE –•– Olivia Newton-John

BOOGIE DOWN –•– Eddie Kendricks

SHOW AND TELL –•– Al Wilson

I’VE GOT TO USE MY IMAGINATION –•– Gladys Knight and the Pips

Motown seemed to have no idea how to use Gladys Knight and the Pips. Their version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” preceded Marvin Gaye’s by a year and its unrestrained wildness made it totally unlike most of Motown’s polished productions. After signing with Buddah, they had their biggest hit with “Midnight Train to Georgia”; “I’ve Got to Use My Imagination” was the follow up. In the aftermath of the Vietnam debacle and with Watergate storm clouds bearing down, “Americans” was a hug and a hair-mussing recitation by Canadian broadcast Byron MacGregor, listing how great a neighbor/big brother the U.S. was to the rest of the world. “Spiders and Snakes” by Jim Stafford, the future Mr. Bobbie Gentry, was a memorable novelty.

Debuting on the Billboard Hot 100 this month were three cash-ins based on the news: “Energy Crisis ‘74” by Dickie Goodman, “Get That Gasoline Blues” by NRBQ and “The Crude Oil Blues” by Jerry Reed. Also new to the Hot 100, “Midnight on the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur isn’t about the oil crisis, maybe more about distracting some horny sheikh while others make off with the oil.